dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
