Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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