cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
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when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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