I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
