you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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