before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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