So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
