So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
