I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
