I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
