wakey wakey hands off snakey
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
