Pregnant stripper...not hot.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
