shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
