Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
