Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think my vagina is haunted
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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