she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
