My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
