I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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