also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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