i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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