i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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