I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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