when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
