First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
