do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
