literally had 100 drinks last night.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
