Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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