$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
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He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
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this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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