I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
