im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
