My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
