i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
