i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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