She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
