Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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