I cannot find my penis.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
