Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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