No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
