perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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