The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
