I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
