It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
