Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
