So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
