Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
