I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
