I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
