he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
