i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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