you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
