I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
