He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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