Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
