yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
