My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
