the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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