Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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