so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
