FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
